It rarely happens accidentally.

I needed to hear this today. Maybe you do too.

In the middle...

I ran across this blog post recently and boy did it just about knock me down on my bottom. It's lengthy, but definitely worth the read. Towards the end, she writes 

The story was still in the middle, but I wanted to flip ahead to the end, past the conflict and struggle and straight to the happy ending. 

That line struck me to the core. Brought immediate, unstoppable tears. Reminded me where I was in my story. We have now been in this chapter for over a year with three losses, heartbreak, frustration, and basically no answers. At least no answers here on Earth. But I have hope. God knows what He's doing. He knows my story, even though I don't know it all yet. I'm still in the middle. I can't just jump ahead and read the last chapter of this book. I've got to wait it out, be patient, and know that God is in control. And that He is good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

The Great Garage Clean-Out

I have declared today "The Great Garage Clean-Out of 2011". Our garage is out of control with stuff. Some stuff that needs to go, some that needs to stay, as well as dead leaves, spider webs, and some other gross stuff.

Even though I would have liked to go at this alone, my husband fears my purging skills and wants to participate. So I'm looking on the bright side: our little one is away at his grandparents house so we can have some uninterrupted time together. Plus he's great at heavy lifting. :)

I've been excited about this garage clean-out because I, honestly, just enjoy organizing and ridding our life of unused and unnecessary clutter. I'm not a stuff person. Just not my personality. But this morning, as I sip my coffee in a quiet house and catch up on a few blogs, I came across this post on material things. These two passages really hit home in a new and fresh way.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to keep and a time to throw away.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 6

This is the perfect mediator verse for my husband and I today. It reminds me that it's not always time to get rid of something and I need to be more sensitive to my husband's needs of wanting to keep his stuff, even if I deem it unnecessary. I'm hoping it will remind him to know when it is time to part with some things.

Do not store up your treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will also be your heart. 

Matthew 6:19-21

This verse stepped on my toes big time. Although my purging actions may have good intentions & consequences, my motives aren't exactly focused where they need to be. My focus should be eternal, storing my true treasures in the Lord and His heavenly kingdom. While I do think this in my mind, my actions do not always show such focus. I've spent more time with my sewing machine this week than with my Bible or in prayer combined. I've been reading a new library book each evening, but haven't cracked open my Bible for a morning quiet time in a while. Let's not even think about the time I spent reading blogs... So, I have to ask myself, where is my heart & my true treasure? 


I do think it's necessary that I add a little disclaimer. The items in our possession are not necessarily bad things. In fact, I would say they are often very good things, things we are meant to enjoy. However, as our pastor likes to remind us, man tends to take good things and make them ultimate things. We cross the line when we find our identity in how big a certain collection is, the latest electronics filling our house, the neighborhood we live in, the kind of cars we drive, career success, or even how spectacular our children are, instead of finding our identity as a follower of Christ. Take a moment to think about your life and what it is filled with. How do you define yourself? Do your actions and motives reflect that self-definition? Don't let those be rhetorical questions.


Sometimes I find the Lord's whispers a bit hard to discern, so I'm truly thankful when He speaks so loud & clear in such a simple, yet profound way.

Happy Easter!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 

-1 Peter 1:3 

"This is the Stuff"

This is such a FUN song, but also has a great point. Love it!

"In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed!" 

Hope you get some REST today. Happy Sunday!

Your Great Name

Loving this song lately...

Really love that Little Man sings parts of it with me at just 2.5 years old. So sweet to my heart!!

A Great Segue

Source

I somehow managed to turn this 6-week Bible Study on Ruth into a 6-month study, but let's not focus on that. Let's focus on what an amazing segue it is to my current study on David. Definitely a transition that I did not even consider (or realize) - certainly God-orchestrated. 

A little background on Ruth, in case you're not familiar. Ruth & her mother-in-law, Naomi, were both widowed. Ruth decided to go back to Naomi's homeland with her even though she would be an outcast because of her heritage. Through hard-work, a redeemer-turned-husband Boaz, and God's amazing hand, Ruth married again a bore a son, Obed (not my favorite biblical name). Turns out, Obed was the father of Jesse, who is the father of David that I'm currently studying! Such a cool transition between studies. Also, they are in the lineage of Jesus - pretty amazing what God can do with someone who is obedient, even if they don't seem perfectly suited for the job in our eyes. 

I have been praying for God to make scripture alive to me and that I would have an intense desire and hunger for His word. I am so thankful my prayers are being answered and He is doing this in me! I have seen scripture in a whole new way recently, which is just amazing! Even just this week I read the story of David & Goliath, certainly not the first time I'd heard this story, but the details were revealed in such a new and interesting way to me. If you ever feel like you're starting to tune-out when scripture is being read or you start to skip ahead because you've already heard or read this passage, then I'd encourage you to pray for a renewed love of God's word - it truly is amazing!

By the way, if you're looking for a great study that isn't too intimidating with tons of homework or too long, I'd definitely give a Kelly Minter study a try. I loved this study and intend to do more of her's!

Seeking a Heart Like His

I started a new Bible Study for the spring "semester" (pretty sure I'll always define my life by school terms after being a student, then a teacher for most of my life). We've already established that I love Beth Moore. I feel like God has gifted her with an amazing ability to share His Word in a spectacular way. Plus she's just cute as can be. Well, the study I'm just starting is Beth Moore's, David: Seek a Heart Like His. It seems like it's going to be a great study. I've been into the Old Testament a lot lately, studying Esther, Ruth, and Jeremiah in the last two years. Glad to add David to the list!

After our introductory video, they showed a video clip that I had seen before. I think it's worth taking the 8+ minutes to watch. And maybe grab a tissue!

Merry Christmas!

Sunday

Sunday

Sunday

Miscarriage: Moving On

This post may not be a very popular opinion. Maybe that’s because someone is not ready to move on. I’m just sharing my experience and what God has taught me along the way.

After the initial shock and devastation of a miscarriage, a process of healing must take place. I believe that healing process takes everyone down a different road. However, I believe the final destination must include moving on.

Moving on does not mean forgetting. Moving on also does not mean discounting your loss. That loss is REAL.  I will always remember both of my miscarriages (I have had another earlier loss since my first) and the dreams I had for both of those babies being added to our family. I will always mourn what could have been.

I refuse to be paralyzed in place. I will not waste months of my life wishing for what could have been because it will not be. I am still a wife to a loving husband, a mother to the sweetest, cutest two year old on the planet (yes, I’m biased), a daughter, sister, friend…I have responsibilities here that I should not overlook or neglect.

These thoughts had been resonating in me for a while, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant. It became crystal clear when I finally returned to my study on Ruth this morning. It was about ending a period of mourning because God had something new ahead for me. I wondered, “How are my feelings of mourning over my miscarriage affecting me and what God has in store for me?” What am I missing out on because I have a stronghold on the past?

The author of my study, Kelly Minter, brought forth this scripture, which was spot on. “Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19.

Kelly wrote “My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we’d be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won’t stay in our mourning clothes forever”. AMEN!

The lyrics to this song describe my current feelings almost exactly. I am still waiting on the Lord, hoping to provide another child to our family. However, in the meantime I still want to worship & serve Him, not wasting a moment.

“While I’m waiting” by John Waller from the movie, Fireproof

I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am hopeful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it is painful 
But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 
Taking every step in obedience 
While I'm waiting 
I will serve You 
While I'm waiting 
I will worship 
While I'm waiting 
I will not faint 
I'll be running the race 
Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am peaceful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it's not easy 
But faithfully, I will wait 
Yes, I will wait 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve you while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

This is the third of three posts about my miscarriage experience. Here are my first and second posts.

Miscarriage: The Aftermath

Since my miscarriage my mind has been swirling with thoughts, prayers, anger, disappointment, and many other feelings. I have tried to bring myself back to God and trust Him. This post contains the truths in which I have reminded myself of in recent months.

Just two days after my D&C, our MOPS Coordinator and good friend of mine, emailed our Steering Retreat packet. In the packet was the Scripture Psalm 139:10, which is our verse for the MOPS year. She sent the entire passage so we could have context. God’s timing of this passage being brought forth to me was sheer perfection. Every word reached the core of my soul. I’m including it in its entirety below because it was so important to me. Emphasis added is mine.

“O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. -Psalm 139

All I could think was, “Even there” in the depths of my despair, when my hopes were crushed, You were there. Your hand guided me and held me close.

About a month later, I ran across a post from a blogger about her three miscarriages and what she had learned. These words resonated in me so much that I copied them into a document on my desktop so I could open them, read them, and remind myself of these truths.

“We don’t trust in what God will do, because we don’t know what He will do. We trust in who God is.” This sentence really hit home and I’ve repeated it to myself almost daily for months. It is what I believe, even if it’s not what I want out of my own sinful, selfish ways. God is good and I know that, but I cannot trust that he will provide more children for that is not a promise he has made to me.

“I came to realize that God really was the Good Shepherd, and that even though I could not understand why He did what He did, God had a plan for my life, and it was good.” This has been a comfort. I know that God’s plans are far greater than mine, he has proven that time and again. Even though this is an extremely painful time in my life, I know that there are great things to come, even if it’s not what I originally planned.

“I will trust you with my family size, even if that size is smaller than what I think is best.” This has been the hardest to swallow, yet a truth I need to remind myself of. I want more children. I desperately want more children. At least one (hopefully two!). However, it may not be in God’s plan for us to have more children and I’ve been talking to myself about that. 

This is the second of three posts about my miscarriage experience. Here are my first and third posts.

Miscarriage: The Event

Miscarriage is something no one wants to face, yet around 25% of pregnancies end that way. At least that is what I was told when I had my first miscarriage earlier this year. I was 10 weeks along, it was a “missed miscarriage” and I had a D&C because my body had somehow missed the message that this baby wasn’t going to be joining our family.

I was uneasy about that entire pregnancy from the moment the word “Pregnant” popped up on the digital test. I was fairly guarded with the news, even after we saw a little flickering heartbeat the day before we left for our beach vacation. That’s where God’s protection comes into play. God put my fears to rest when we saw that sweet little heartbeat. In the back of my mind I still thought something might be off due to a discrepancy in fetal age, but I tossed that aside and enjoyed a glorious week at the beach with our family and close friends. I dreamed of what it would be like the following year with a 4 month old and a 3 year old. I was thrilled to be adding to our family. I am so thankful that God provided us that week free of worry.

A week after we returned from the beach, it became clear that this baby was no more. The devastation I felt when the Ultrasound Tech told us the horrible news was like a swift, crushing blow. I have never had tears flow so fast, so hard, or so long. Yet, God was there. He surrounded me with an amazing husband, family, and friends who knew when to give space and when to hold close.

The following day a D&C was scheduled. A D&C is a fancy name for an abortion. Abortion. That word stung. The last reason I wanted to be going to the Women’s Center at the hospital was to get rid of a baby, nevermind the fact that baby hadn’t been alive for almost two weeks. I was a complete mess that morning, scared, tearful, and knowing when I came back home I would no longer be with child. A child I desperately wanted to add to our family.

However, something amazing happened when I came into recovery. A complete, divine peace came over me. God blanketed me in only a peace that only He can provide. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7

As they wheeled me out and my husband went to get the car, they left me right there with all the new mom’s and babies also waiting to be picked up. I thought to myself, this should make me want to scream, but instead I only had peace. Don’t get me wrong, I still had sadness, but I had happiness for them and the joy they were about to experience. I didn’t want their babies, I just wanted mine. I knew that baby would never be one I could hold in my arms here on Earth, but was assured that God would provide and protect us.

Note: I am not going to go into much detail where my husband is concerned, mainly because I cannot adequately describe the amazing man, husband, and father he is, but I do not want to discredit him and his support through these trying months. Without him, I’m not sure how I would have made it. I am so thankful God blessed me with him - He knew exactly what I would need in a husband.

This is the first of three posts about my miscarriage experience. Here are my second and third posts.

For the Bible tells me so...

If you read this post, then you'll remember that one of my reasons for wanting to eat locally is because the Bible tells me so. I've been thinking about this and thought I'd at least share the verses that I was referring to.

"Dwell on the land in which the Lord has given to you." 

-Jeremiah 25:5

I don't want to take this verse too literally, because we live on less than an acre in a suburban neighborhood that doesn't allow livestock and probably not even regular row gardens (container gardens are perfectly acceptable). Therefore I know we could not produce enough food to sustain our family on our little piece of suburbia. However, I do think this verse means to dwell on land that is near you rather than that which is far away. I would consider (1)supporting the local economy and (2)cutting out millions of miles of fuel usage, two reasons for being good stewards of what God has given us. God has placed us here, in North Carolina, and I think we should try to eat as much that is produced here as possible.  The more "It's Got to be NC" products, the better!

"Build houses and live in them, plant gardens and eat their produce." 

-Jeremiah 29:5

This verse is plucked out of a passage where God is telling his people to go back to their land (that they were kicked out of) and basically settle in for the long haul. I have an incredible desire to do this. I would LOVE for us to be able to buy some land (that isn't absurdly expensive), build a house in the country, have room for a large garden, fruit trees and bushes, a clothes line, and maybe even room for some animals. However, that is not in the cards for us right now and I'm incredible fortunate that my in-laws live only 10minutes away with that set-up, which works out great for me.

Certainly, I understand the Bible was written not in our modern era, so times were different. Very different. Food transportation all across the world was basically impossible for any perishable items given the time it took to cross such distances without adequate refrigeration. However, I do believe the Bible was written through God's divine words to be applicable across generations. So, I'm still thinking about these words and how we can apply them to our life.

Little Man and I love to eat grapes, yet they always seem to be transported from some foreign land in Central or South America. Could we learn to eat another fruit that we could get closer to home? Could we learn to do without fresh fruit throughout the winter months? How much sacrifice are we willing to make? That's the question I'm continually pondering.

On this journey we're making small changes...one at a time...they're more likely to stick that way.

Living in a New Testament world...

I'll admit that I usually prefer to read through the New Testament over the Old Testament. The NT always seems so full of life, positive action, God's goodness while the OT seemed to have condemnation, affliction, and just a lot of general yucky stuff. So, I'd previously preferred to just bury my head in the sand. 


Even with all this in mind, I decided a while ago to read through the book of Jeremiah. Why Jeremiah? Well, that's my Little Man's name. Did we choose it because of the Biblical Jeremiah? No. We wanted our little one to have his daddy's initials, so we had to come up with a "J" name we both liked - Jeremiah won out. After he was born, people kept telling me what a strong name that was and saying things about the Jeremiah in the Bible. Truth is...I don't really know much about him. The only thing I really knew from that book was this well-known verse

"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

 I know and LOVE that verse. It just fills me with hope of all that God does for those that love him. Well, I decided I wanted to know more so I've set off on a quest to read through - one chapter per day. Since there are 52 Chapters, it should have taken me a little less than 2 months. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly consistent in my Quite Times, so I've been reading through for a while and I just finished Chapter 16 today. Yeah...I've been slow, but I'm making an effort to be more consistent.


I've learned so much from these 16 chapters already and wanted to log a few of my thoughts...
-13:11 says "For as the waistband clings to the waist of a man, so I made the household...to CLING TO ME"  (emphasis added by me)
This verse really made me think about how I was (more like was not) clinging to God very often. After berating myself in my QT Journal for my stupid & selfish actions, I wrote this "Instead of my focus being on _________ (fill in the blank with whatever you're struggling with), it should be totally centered on GOD! I should hold on to Him with all that I am. His knowledge, wisdom, and providence are all that I need. I have to cling to Him, there is no other good way."


-14:10 states "Even so they have loved to wander; they have not kept their feet in check. Therefore the Lord does not accept them; now He will remember their inequity and call their sins to account."
Hmmm...how often do your feet wander? My have wandered a lot in my lifetime. This verse really reminded me how thankful I am to live after Jesus Christ came to live on this earth and die for our sins. My sins. They are forgiven because of Jesus' blood. Let me never take that for granted again. I am forgiven for my sins by just repenting. Am I immune to my sins? No, I still have to suffer their earthly consequences. But, I do not have to pay for them eternally. Amazing, right?


-16:12b, "for behold, you are each one walking according to the stubbornness of his own evil heart, without listening to me."
My actions often say, "No thanks God - I'll do it my way." It's laughable to think we know better than God Almighty. Or maybe we know we don't know better, but our way is easier and more comfortable. Either way, I need to get over myself and listen to God, walk with His plan in mind.


Like I said before, God is good. Thank you, Lord, for letting me live now, after your Son has come to pay for my sins. My I never take advantage of that, but always serve You.


If you made it this far through my ramblings, then good for you. I was just struck by what I've been reading and wanted share some of my thoughts. I'm diving a little deeper into the OT and it's causing me to appreciate the NT even more than before.

God is GOOD!

I just want to take a moment to say that God is so good. All the time. His goodness comes through even when we least expect it. I am so thankful for every aspect of my life and all the He provides. There have been several answered prayers pop up this week and I'm pretty surprised at all this goodness! I'm not ready to share more than this quite yet, but I do want to express how happy I am to serve such an awesome and mighty God.