Since my miscarriage my mind has been swirling with thoughts, prayers, anger, disappointment, and many other feelings. I have tried to bring myself back to God and trust Him. This post contains the truths in which I have reminded myself of in recent months.
Just two days after my D&C, our MOPS Coordinator and good friend of mine, emailed our Steering Retreat packet. In the packet was the Scripture Psalm 139:10, which is our verse for the MOPS year. She sent the entire passage so we could have context. God’s timing of this passage being brought forth to me was sheer perfection. Every word reached the core of my soul. I’m including it in its entirety below because it was so important to me. Emphasis added is mine.
“O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. -Psalm 139
All I could think was, “Even there” in the depths of my despair, when my hopes were crushed, You were there. Your hand guided me and held me close.
About a month later, I ran across a post from a blogger about her three miscarriages and what she had learned. These words resonated in me so much that I copied them into a document on my desktop so I could open them, read them, and remind myself of these truths.
“We don’t trust in what God will do, because we don’t know what He will do. We trust in who God is.” This sentence really hit home and I’ve repeated it to myself almost daily for months. It is what I believe, even if it’s not what I want out of my own sinful, selfish ways. God is good and I know that, but I cannot trust that he will provide more children for that is not a promise he has made to me.
“I came to realize that God really was the Good Shepherd, and that even though I could not understand why He did what He did, God had a plan for my life, and it was good.” This has been a comfort. I know that God’s plans are far greater than mine, he has proven that time and again. Even though this is an extremely painful time in my life, I know that there are great things to come, even if it’s not what I originally planned.
“I will trust you with my family size, even if that size is smaller than what I think is best.” This has been the hardest to swallow, yet a truth I need to remind myself of. I want more children. I desperately want more children. At least one (hopefully two!). However, it may not be in God’s plan for us to have more children and I’ve been talking to myself about that.