Miscarriage is something no one wants to face, yet around 25% of pregnancies end that way. At least that is what I was told when I had my first miscarriage earlier this year. I was 10 weeks along, it was a “missed miscarriage” and I had a D&C because my body had somehow missed the message that this baby wasn’t going to be joining our family.
I was uneasy about that entire pregnancy from the moment the word “Pregnant” popped up on the digital test. I was fairly guarded with the news, even after we saw a little flickering heartbeat the day before we left for our beach vacation. That’s where God’s protection comes into play. God put my fears to rest when we saw that sweet little heartbeat. In the back of my mind I still thought something might be off due to a discrepancy in fetal age, but I tossed that aside and enjoyed a glorious week at the beach with our family and close friends. I dreamed of what it would be like the following year with a 4 month old and a 3 year old. I was thrilled to be adding to our family. I am so thankful that God provided us that week free of worry.
A week after we returned from the beach, it became clear that this baby was no more. The devastation I felt when the Ultrasound Tech told us the horrible news was like a swift, crushing blow. I have never had tears flow so fast, so hard, or so long. Yet, God was there. He surrounded me with an amazing husband, family, and friends who knew when to give space and when to hold close.
The following day a D&C was scheduled. A D&C is a fancy name for an abortion. Abortion. That word stung. The last reason I wanted to be going to the Women’s Center at the hospital was to get rid of a baby, nevermind the fact that baby hadn’t been alive for almost two weeks. I was a complete mess that morning, scared, tearful, and knowing when I came back home I would no longer be with child. A child I desperately wanted to add to our family.
However, something amazing happened when I came into recovery. A complete, divine peace came over me. God blanketed me in only a peace that only He can provide. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7
As they wheeled me out and my husband went to get the car, they left me right there with all the new mom’s and babies also waiting to be picked up. I thought to myself, this should make me want to scream, but instead I only had peace. Don’t get me wrong, I still had sadness, but I had happiness for them and the joy they were about to experience. I didn’t want their babies, I just wanted mine. I knew that baby would never be one I could hold in my arms here on Earth, but was assured that God would provide and protect us.
Note: I am not going to go into much detail where my husband is concerned, mainly because I cannot adequately describe the amazing man, husband, and father he is, but I do not want to discredit him and his support through these trying months. Without him, I’m not sure how I would have made it. I am so thankful God blessed me with him - He knew exactly what I would need in a husband.
This is the first of three posts about my miscarriage experience. Here are my second and third posts.